


These Are Not The Trolls You're Looking For

by shiniestqueen (sparrowinsky)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Darcy/Steve - Freeform, Darcyland, Giveaway fic, Glitter, If You Squint - Freeform, Natasha is scary, Prank Wars, Pre-Relationship, Thor Is Not Stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-12
Updated: 2016-04-12
Packaged: 2018-06-01 19:43:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6533866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparrowinsky/pseuds/shiniestqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Never get involved in a land war in Asia and never start a prank war in the Avenger's tower.</p><p>(You will lose.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	These Are Not The Trolls You're Looking For

**Author's Note:**

  * For [yndigot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yndigot/gifts).



> Prompt: "…can I have Darcy and Steve? Romantically or just being bros and hanging out or having an adventure or anything really?"

The first time is an accident. _Honestly_.

Sure, she laughs, but she didn’t _mean_ to turn Thor purple.

She meant to turn _Jane_ purple.

Koolaid in the showerhead: works every time.

Thor’s a good sport about the whole thing, because he’s her awesome bro. And she’s pretty sure Jane explained, as in _yelled at top volume_ , because she’s a sore loser and shouldn’t start a prank war if she doesn’t want to lose, ok. 

The thing is, when Thor walks into the labs– _bright_ purple, that image is going to stay with her _forever_ – it’s practically a team meeting, what with Bruce in the next lab over and Tony Stark and Agent Biceps trailing after the god of thunder with matching expressions of pure delight. 

And then he forgives her. Loudly. Eloquently. Praising her skills in this human custom of “pranks,” which he’s heard _all about_ from suspiciously-straight-faced Jane. And then he smiles, utterly guileless, and walks away. Leaving _behind_ Stark and Biceps, and those delighted expressions have taken on a certain glint.

“No,” she says, and returns to sorting data.

The first time is an accident. Everything after that she files under “pre-emptive strike.”

***

She starts with Tony.

Darcy’s made a point, from day one, of getting in good with JARVIS. She’s polite. She engages him. She _likes_ him, plain and simple.

And friends do favors for friends.

Maybe sometimes those favors include setting the internal temperature for the Iron Man suit at “ball-shattering cold” and playing innocent about it.

She’s not telling. Neither is JARVIS.

***

She has to learn a little about Agent Biceps, aka Clint Barton, before she can get to work. Conveniently, they live in the same ridiculous tower, and for a spy he’s pretty talkative. And funny. And kind of cute, she’s not gonna lie.

Still.

“JARVIS.

“Yes, Miss Lewis?”

“Theoretically, how hard would it be to make glitter-bomb arrows?”

“Theoretically, Miss Lewis, an order for such arrows could be placed immediately. Shall I note a color preference?”

“Purple, my good man. Purple.”

It’s almost worth the itching powder Clint  retaliates with. He’s covered in glitter for _days_.

***

They don’t have to call a truce when shit goes down in D.C.

They’re all locked in the tower for five days, watching it happen.

When the lockdown lifts– Tony cracks it a few minutes before the helicarriers fall, he and Barton bolting out so fast it makes her head spin–

She doesn’t have the heart for it, after that.

***

Of all the people who might possibly restart– resume?– the battle, she _never_ expected Bruce.

He’s been off-limits from day one. Darcy’s one of the few people who know exactly who the Hulk’s alter ego is, and she’s not planning on meeting big green anytime soon.

In fact, as far as she’s concerned, it’s over. Done with. (She won.)

Then one morning, at an ungodly hour, she takes a deep drink of her coffee– and chokes on it, barely making it to the trash before she spews it back out, coughing hard enough to make her eyes water.

Somebody put _licorice_ in her drink.

“Tell me you didn’t get that on any of my equipment.”

“Yes, Janey, I’m fine, thank you for your concern.” She dumps her drink and rounds the corner into Bruce’s lab. “Banner-my-man. Did you happen to run into anyone on the way back from the cafe?”

He half-turns from his computer and gives her the Bruce Banner equivalent of a shit-eating grin (a tight smile, eyes twinkling.)

“ _No_ ,” she gasps.

“You should know better, Darcy. Always suspect the quiet ones.”

“You– I can’t believe– _licorice? IN MY COFFEE._ It’s _on_ , Science Man.”

***

Captain America comes back to the tower about a week later, and the Black Widow.

(Darcy’s not even going to pretend for a second that she didn’t spend the entirety of the three-day hearings absolutely _plastered_ to the television. With her phone in the other hand, skimming the dumped files.

She cheers when Romanoff makes her exit. Out loud. _Really_ loud.)

She thinks about leaving them out of it, but it’s kind of getting to be a habit at this point.

Let the record show. She _does_ think about it.

***

Natasha Romanoff is first, and she has to talk herself into it, because the woman’s pretty damn terrifying. Thankfully, Clint Barton has no sense of self-preservation and can be bribed with baked goods to do something he thinks is hilarious anyway.

So technically Barton is the prankster, here. _He’s_ the one who puts catnip in her shoes.

Darcy may be the one who brings home half the cats from the local animal shelter, though.

Darcy is _definitely_ the one who wakes up in the middle of the night with an assassin on the end of her bed, smiling knife-sharp in the dark.

“Cute,” Natasha says. “You get that one. Leave me out of the rest.”

Darcy smiles weakly. “Yes, ma’am.”

***

Captain America is next, because Darcy has as much sense of self-preservation as Clint.

And… it’s _Captain America_.

She’s morally obligated to go all-out.

***

Thankfully, she does _not_ wake up to Captain America on the end of her bed.

She does wake up to Steve Rogers banging on her door at three in the morning, his hair fluorescent pink.

“So,” he rumbles. “I hear I have you to thank.”

“Eep,” Darcy replies. Her eyes feel about as big as his shield.

(Which, provided all went to plan, is the shade of his hair.)

“I thought about it, and I figure I can retaliate… or I can work with you. Whaddaya say?”

“Hng.”

The thing is. He’s _shirtless_.

And _wet_.

And- grinning?

“…I’m sorry, the patron saint of the Good Old Days wants to _what_?”

“I could use a laugh.”

What he means, apparently, is that he wants to put gross fish in all of Tony Stark’s shoes.

Never let it be said that Darcy Lewis shrank from a challenge.

***

She replaces every non-essential piece of equipment in Bruce’s lab with a cardboard facsimile.

Her new accomplice, it turns out, is not half bad at the handi-crafts.

He also knows some super raunchy songs and may or may not be Darcy’s new favorite Inappropriate Joke Friend.

Sorry, Agent Clint-slash-Biceps-Barton. It was a good run.

  
***

 _Nobody suspects him_. It’s amazing. Every single solitary person buys the apple pie and innocence routine. By night, she’s regaled with cautionary tales about never, _ever_ playing poker with him. By day? She watches in awe as he pours orange juice into Tony’s coffee without a blink.

It’s the start of a beautiful friendship, and the tower isn’t safe for _weeks._

***

(For the record, the soundtracks are JARVIS, start to finish. She’s so proud of him, even if she did think she was going to die when the Psycho theme started playing while she was washing her hair.

She _may_ have suggested the narration. 

Maybe.

She’s never telling, because Natasha Romanoff is terrifying and Darcy wants to live.)

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi on tumblr, I'm [shiniestqueen](http://shiniestqueen.tumblr.com/).


End file.
